The 1-10 Scale

When we first got married we were introduced to the 1-10 scale. Twenty years later, it is the advice that we are happy to pass on to ALL newlyweds. It has helped ease frustrations and stop arguments before they start!
This is how it works:

VB: “It’s Friday night, what do you want to do?”
KB: “I don’t know, maybe go out to dinner?”
VB: “How about a movie?”
KB: “Ok, which one?”
VB: “Definitely action movie, that new James Bond movie!”
KB: “Oh, how about a romance? There is a Jane Austen Film Fest!”
VB: “On a scale of 1-10, I’m about a 1.”
KB: “Really, I’m a 9!”
VB: “Not my favorite, but ok, I’ll watch ONE movie with you.”

All of a sudden the scale makes the activity objective. I know exactly how he feels about sitting through a “Bonnet Movie Marathon.” And, he knows exactly how much it means to me to see it. It makes me appreciate his willingness to spend time doing something that I want to do. Next time he has something that is a 9 and a 1 to me…I’m much more willing to go along.

Sometimes we are both a 5 on the scale, as were just asking to be polite or for something to do. Neither one of us wants to go to a movie, but would rather go visit friends. We’ve learned to ask before we make big plans, and to really be honest about how we spend our time together.

We’ve used the 1-10 scale with everything from movies and where to eat, to things like destinations for family vacations, baby names, money management, and parenting techniques. The scale makes it objective and a place where we can start the conversation.

Often I’ve been surprised at where my husband is on the scale and vice versa. The first time he brought home fresh flowers, he was surprised at my reaction. Flowers are about a 2 on my scale…he assumed that they would by a 10 (don’t all girls like flowers? No, to me they were a waste of money—they just die!). I truly appreciated the thought, but was honest in how I felt. Now he buys me flowers to plant in the front yard-which on the scale is a 9 to me!

I also do not expect him to take me to dinner, which is a 2 on his scale. He eats out with work a lot and prefers home cooked meals. If I really want to go to a restaurant, I’ll go with a friend for lunch. He appreciates family meals and I love to prepare his favorites.

Does this mean that he never takes me to dinner or brings me flowers… no, occasionally he does and I truly appreciate it. The scale has put out a lot of potential fires and saved buckets of tears in our marriage!

We now use the scale with our kids to find out where they are in family decisions. On a scale of 1-10, it's a 10!

"Do Your DOTS"

When my daughter, started school, I made her a chart with everything she needed to do in the morning. There were 12 things on her list. I thought it would be satisfying to earn stickers as she completed the list..I was wrong! The list was overwhelming and now she didn’t want to do any of the things! Thus a new approach was created, and “Do Your Dots” was born!

I limited the things I wanted her to focus on to four things. This was do-able and we made it fun. Each of our kids now has a small 3 x 5 inch chart of “dots” to do each morning before school starts. Each of our charts has different dots that are unique to the person. For one child whose morning struggle was hair styling, “Brush Hair” became one of her dots… each chart was individualized to the person. (possible dots: brush teeth, play piano, get dressed, do job, make bed, go to the bathroom, etc.)

With this approach, the chart tells the kids exactly what I expect of them every morning. All I have to do is say, “Do your dots!” and they know exactly what needs to be done. The chart becomes the master and we cheer each other on to finish before the school starts.

Now days, the kids are older and we still do our dots!

Here is how we do it:

1. Each person has a 3x5 card with four dots and a reward. (At our house the reward is electronics—computer for entertainment, tv, gameboy, etc. after 4p.m. & school work is done) The dots are unique to each person, but the reward is the same. I sit down before each school year and discuss with each child what they think their dots should be…and we come to a mutual decision.

2. Mom sets out the cards on the counter the night before and the jar with dots (our dots glass beads or anything that jingles) and the “DONE” jar.

3. Kids know what is on the chart (when our kids were small we had pictures) and they can do each dot INDEPENDENTLY!

4. As the kids do their dots they drop the beads into the “DONE” glass jar.

5. If you do not finish your dots, the glass bead does not go into the “DONE” jar. The child does not get the reward for the day.
a. *on our 3x5 cards, everyone has the dot “JOB”. This is their allowance job and they get paid at the end of the week for doing it. If they do their job, they mark off on the Allowance Chart. If they do not do their job before school, they do not get paid, or the reward. They still have to do their job before the next meal—they do not get to eat until their job is finished.

6. When the “done” jar is full (after about 1-2 weeks and longer as they get older) we celebrate by having a special family activity. As the kids got older, we started to take out the beads and sort them into different colors. We’d graph them then roll the dice and the number was how many cents each colored bead was worth. We added up the beads and took the money and did something as a family! (it’s usually enough for a gallon of ice cream!)

This has been one of the most effective things we’ve done in our family. Kids know what to expect. Every time I think we’re too old or we can do without “dots”, I am mistaken! Even I do better with a morning routine and a deadline. We do dots Monday through Friday. During summer vacation we continue dots but change the time of when they have to be done.

We have night time dots too…but the reward is reading with Mom or Dad, This chart hangs in their bedroom and is done on a personal basis.

At night:
Backpack ready, brush teeth, set clothes out, 10 minute tidy